


To Make You Feel My Love

by Alexwritesfics



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Drabble(ish?), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of conversion therapy, One-Shot, Pre-Relationship, Thomas Barrow gets a hug for once dammit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-16
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-09 16:51:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4356899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexwritesfics/pseuds/Alexwritesfics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Heya. This is just a drabble I wrote in-between my other projects and updating L.F.O.S. Writer's block is still hitting me pretty hard but I think I'm past the worst of it now. Requests will be up soon, and I'm sorry for the wait. Here's a purely self-indulgent aside because I just need Thomas to be okay. Title is a song by Bob Dylan.</p>
    </blockquote>





	To Make You Feel My Love

**Author's Note:**

> Heya. This is just a drabble I wrote in-between my other projects and updating L.F.O.S. Writer's block is still hitting me pretty hard but I think I'm past the worst of it now. Requests will be up soon, and I'm sorry for the wait. Here's a purely self-indulgent aside because I just need Thomas to be okay. Title is a song by Bob Dylan.

'Therapy?'

Thomas nodded, taking a long sip of his tea so he wouldn't have to say something immediately. He looked into the eyes of Andy Parker, the Abbey's newest footman, who was trembling slightly from some indecipherable emotion.

'You didn't...' Andy said in a slightly hoarse voice. 'Please tell me-'

'-If I told you it wasn't true I'd be lying to you, Andy,' Thomas interjected harshly, knowing he sounded snappish and rude to an outside observer but feeling unable to control his tone. He didn't know how Andy would take it, not just the pills and the injections and bloody electrotherapy - Thomas was terrified that Andy would reject him for the reason the underbutler had endured all that pain. Thomas set down the teacup, trying hard not to show that his grip was slightly shaky.

It was two'o'clock in the morning.

Thomas was tired and aching and finally ready to answer Andy's questions.

'...But-' Andy seemed to stop himself from saying something, swallowing nervously and audibly. 'Thomas, it must have been... It must have been so horrible-'

'-It was,' Thomas said simply.

'...But why?'

'I'm sure you know the reason why, Andy,' Thomas said, a sad kind of smile pulling at the corners of his mouth despite himself.

'...You know you can't change.'

'Well, I certainly know it now,' Thomas said quietly, feeling surprise at Andy's words, and a touch of anger. Who was Andy to know how these things worked? What did he know of the world and its many cruel faculties?

Thomas needed a cigarette.

'...I wish I'd been there. I-I wish I'd been there to stop it.' Andy looked dangerously close to tears, his cheeks pinker than usual and a muscle jumping in his jaw.

'There was nothing you could do,' Thomas said, feeling the anger and hurt rise again like bile at the back of his throat. 'There was nothing you could have done to stop me from going. I wanted to be n-normal, like other men, like everyone else-'

Yes, Andy was definitely crying now, tears spilling down onto his cheeks. Andy hadn't bothered to scrub at his face or wipe them away with a handkerchief. The tears made trails down his face, falling and hitting the table.

Thomas clenched his hands, gloved one and all, in an effort to stop them from shaking. 'But like you said,' Thomas continued with bitterness colouring his voice, 'I know I can't change. I'm the way I am for some reason, and it's not going to disappear from me, not now, not ever.' His voice broke on the last word. He winced at the sound, avoiding Andy's eyes at this point.

'I don't think you should have to change yourself,' Andy said quietly, Thomas looking back up at the sound. 'I don't think it's fair, the way they... Force people into lives they don't want.'

'That's the way of the world. And the world doesn't seem like it's going to change anytime soon either.'

'...Were you scared?'

Andy's words hit Thomas like a punch to the gut, and it took a moment for the underbutler to respond. '...'Course I was,' Thomas said finally, alarmed at finding himself on the verge of tears as well. 'B-Bloody terrified, I was. But I-I did it anyway. I... Had to do it, I had to prove it to myself...'

'I can't change either,' Andy murmured.

'...What?'

'I can't... I can't change either,' Andy repeated, sounding just about as tired as Thomas felt in that moment. The footman tried to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand, a watery laugh bubbling from him unexpectedly. '...I'm sorry, Mister Barrow. I-I'm sure you didn't want all this,' he said, gesturing to his wet face.

'Here, take this...' Thomas said gently, handing the footman a handkerchief, still pondering Andy's words from earlier.

'Thank-you Mister Barrow...' Andy said. 'I'm sorry I reacted the way I did-'

'-It's fine, really-'

'-No, I really shouldn't have...! You went through something awful. Did you, did you have anyone to talk to?'

Thomas smiled humourlessly. 'I don't think anyone would have cared, if I'm honest. I'm not exactly popular down here. Except for Miss Baxter, she cared... Even after I treated her so awfully...' The words came out before the underbutler could stop himself, but that was a story for another day under decidedly different circumstances.

'I care,' Andy said softly. 'I care a whole lot.'

There was a pause that said everything and nothing all at once.

'...I was in a bad way,' Thomas said quietly. 'But I'm much better now. And I'm getting better by the day.'

'I hope you never get in such a bad way again, Mister Barrow,' Andy said with feeling. 'I really do.'

And then Andy did the impossible - he leaned forward, and Thomas should have pushed him away and kept his pride intact, because this was his burden and his burden alone to be getting on with. It had happened so long ago... Why would comfort help to ease the pain?

But it was half-past-two in the morning and Thomas was very, very tired.

And so he closed his eyes and let himself be pulled into Andy's arms, finding himself melting into the embrace.

'Mister Barrow-' Andy started, but the underbutler cut in with '-Thomas' and all was peaceful and quiet once more.

If Thomas let a few tears slip through his mask of indifference, then it was fine. If Thomas enjoyed the feeling of Andy absentmindedly running his fingers through Thomas' hair, then it was fine. If Thomas caught himself memorising the exact feeling of Andy holding him in his arms, then that too was fine.

For now, this was enough, and Thomas felt safer than he had in months.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank-you for reading x


End file.
